From Mark Farnum. Forwarded by Bob Clements.

  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
  • Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”