Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean up what others send and pass it along to you.
MEXICAN VIRUS MESSAGE From SusieQ
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA - MEXICAN HACKER
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER. From SusieQ
Brian invited his mother for dinner with he and his roommate, Stephanie. During the course of the meal, his mother keep noticing how beautiful the girl was. Having long been suspicious of their relationship, this only made her more curious.
Sensing his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I Know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Stephanie said to Brian, “Ever since your mom came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, he received this e-mail reply:
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
SMART RADIO. The owner of a new 2007 Lexus returned to the dealer the next day complaining that he couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The service man explained that the radio was voice activated, and proceeded to demonstrate:
“Nelson”, he called out. The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie!” he continued, and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
Then he said, “Ray Charles!” In an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
The owner drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, “Beethoven,” he got beautiful classical music, and when he said, “Beatles,” he got one of their awesome songs.
While on the road one day enjoying this fantastic radio, a car ran a red light and he swerved just in time to avoid it, as he yelled out at the two people in the other car, “DUMB ASSES!”
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM From SuzyQ
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: “Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house, so you might ought to wait outside.”
BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE
CAUTION - DRIVER LEGALLY BLOND
COVER ME - I’M CHANGING LANES
FLORIDA IS FULL - GO HOME
HE WHO HESITATES IS MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT
HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF
HORN BROKEN - WATCH FOR FINGER.
HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN TRAVEL
DOWN BEFORE HE ADMITS HE IS LOST?
IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
IF YOU CAN READ THIS I’VE LOST MY TRAILER
QUICK THINKING From Slim Russell
The ship’s captain had executed a few maneuvers that had never been taught at the Naval Academy. Angrily, the admiral in charge of the fleet flashed a quick message to the captain, saying, “You are the dumbest, most ignorant, absolutely idiotic sailor ever put on God's blue ocean!”
When it was delivered, the captain told the radioman to read it to him.
The radioman hesitated.
The captain insisted.
The radioman coughed and read the degrading message in front of a whole bridge full of officers.
Without skipping a beat, the captain covered for himself, saying, “Take that below and have it decoded!”
WHY WE SPEAK ENGLISH From Harold Green
A U.S. Navy admiral attended a naval conference that included admirals from the Australian, Canadian, English, French and U.S. navies. At a Cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked: “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: “Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.”
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS From JayPMarine
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Is there another word for synonym?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where's the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille writing on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?