Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean up what others send and pass it along to you.
MESSAGE FROM WASHINGTON
I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a “non-intrusive method.” The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, CLICK HERE.
Thanks to Bill Thompson.
ATLANTA JOURNAL AD:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting.
(More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever).
Received this from more than one person.
Turn up your sound volume… Ray Stevens is at it again. CLICK HERE. SuzyQPR sent this.
IN THE BEGINNING.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
God said, “Try my fresh green salad.”
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God said, “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil's Food.”
God brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, and then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Forwarded by Airburd. No original source given
DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Father Murphy entered a pub in Donegal, and asked to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“I do Father.”
“Then stand over there against the wall.” He asked a second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man's reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” Then he walked up to O'Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?
“No, I don't Father,” he answered, frankly.
“I can't believe this,” Father Murphy retorted. “You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?”
“Oh, when I die, yes,” said O‘Toole. “I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”