Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean them up and pass them along to you.
INTO BARS AND OTHER VENUES
- A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I've lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”
- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don't serve food in here.”
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
- I bet my butcher 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No. The steaks are too high.”
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know. I've cut off your arms!”
- I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.” - Unnamed Texas congressional candidate
- “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug in this jack at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.” - FCC Chairman Mark S. Fowler
- “I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” - University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett
- “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” - Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry
- “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” - Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
- “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” - Vice President Dan Quayle
- “The word “genius” isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - NFL Quarterback and Sports Analyst Joe Theisman
- “We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” - ROTC Instructor Colonel Gerald Wellman
- “If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.” - President Bill Clinton
- “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” - Notice sent by Greenville, SC Department of Social Services
HOW TO CLEAN THE COMMODE
Suggested by the family dog
- Put both commode lids up, flush, then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the clean water in the bowl.
- Pick up your cat and soothe it as you carry into the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the commode, quickly close both lids and stand on them.
- The cat will self agitate, making ample suds. Never mind the noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the commode three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse
- Make certain no one is standing between the bathroom and the front door.”.
- Have someone open the front door and move out of the way.
- Lift both lids and quickly move out of the way as far as you can.
- The cat will rocket out of the bowl, streak out of the bathroom and through the front door to dry.
- Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
POLITICAL HISTORY CAPSULE
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was invented, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. (An interesting evolutionary side note: Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.) Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer provided by Conservatives.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. The reasons for this are obvious and need no further explanation.
Modern Liberals drink imported beer (with lime added) and frou-frou coffee, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but prefer their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. (But I repeat myself.) Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They prefer to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created the business of trying to get something for nothing.