Don’t blame me for these. I merely receive them in e-mail from those who click this website, clean them up a bit, as necessary, and send them along so that all of you can groan about them. But check back occassionally. I may add some more to this list.
MY DOCTOR treated a woman for yellow jaundice three years before he realized she was Chinese. He gave another patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor hates ducks - he says they insult him.
My doctor examined me and told me I had walking pneumonia. I asked what to do about it. He gave me some pills and said, “Take two every three miles.”
I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. He advised, “Don't answer it.”
My doctor has his share of nut cases. One said to him, “Doctor, I think I'm a bell.” The doctor gave him some pills and said, “Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring.” Another guy told my doctor he thought he was a deck of cards. My doctor simply said, “Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later.”
NO SOONER SAID THAN DONE. A Navy Chief and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, “Just so you'll know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife immediately got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his red wine.
SAVING FRANCE AGAIN. The President has authorized the Joint Chiefs of Staff to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed-off teenagers, he doubts France's ability to hold them very long. “If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now,” he said.
The head of the Joint Chiefs warned that it might be necessary to send up to five Marines to do the job. The general admitted that five Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24-hours of arrival on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time, but thought that he could persuade a few women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
The President told the Commandant of the Marines to get the Marines out of there as soon as possible after they restored order. He also reminded the General to make sure the Marines take no soap or deodorant with them. The less they stand out, the better.
A LOVE STORY. I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy… beg for me to stop. will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you. And you will be weak for days! All my love, Flu Bug. (Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
ONLY IN LAS VEGAS. There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - others are hoping to win. Because the chips are from various casinos and are redeemable for cash, the Catholic churches send them to the Diocese for sorting into the respective casino chips. Then, one junior priest makes the rounds to casinos to convert the chips into cash. His nickname is the “ChipMonk“.
“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” - Johnny Carson
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” - Unknown
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'” - Paula Poundstone
“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.” - A. Whitney Brown
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” - Jeff Foxworthy
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who went peacefully in his sleep… not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Author Unknown
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'” - Dave Barry
HOT PILOT. A brilliant young man volunteered for naval service during WWII. Because of his high aptitude for aviation the Navy sent him directly to Pensacola as an aviation cadet.
Soloing during his first training day, it became obvious that he was the best pilot on the base and the officials sent him directly to final training to become a fighter pilot. He completed the course in record time and received his Wings of Gold and an immediate assignment to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
Arriving aboard the carrier by COD flight, he checked in at the squadron ready room and was assigned to his first flight the following morning.
He was barely at altitude when attacked by a flight of six Japanese fighter aircraft, but quickly shot them out of the sky. Then, climbing higher, he spotted nine more Zero fighters, shooting all nine down as well.
After all this action he noticed that his fuel was getting low. Finding the carrier, he descended, circled, and made a perfect landing. Climbing out of the cockpit, he jogged up to bridge. Saluting the captain smartly he said, “Well sir, how did I do on my very first launch?” The captain turned facing him, bowed politely, and replied, “You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake!”