FATHER KNOWS BEST
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. “Sorry I'm running late… had an emergency, you know how it is. Didn't have time to get you a present.”
“Not to worry,” said the Dad. “The important thing is that we're all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present… sorry.”
“It's nothing,” the father replied. “Glad you were able to be here.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello you both, happy anniversary. I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing… so I didn't have time to get you guys anything.”
Again the father said, “I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today.”
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen you three, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but… we just never found the time to get married.”
The three kids gasped and said,,,, “You mean we're BASTARDS?”
“Yep,” said the Dad… “and cheap ones, too!”
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice.”
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws his empty bottle into the air, pulls out his .44 magnum, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his bottle. He says, “In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice”.
Late one afternoon, military police were quite surprised to see a Cessna landing at a top secret air base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. Base officials immediately initiated a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
On the following day, to the total disbelief of the base officials, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people inside.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you've got to tell her where I was last night!”
WALK, DON'T RUN
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
I don't exercise anymore, hpwever, because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I would have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figured out what I'm doing.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.