I don’t write ‘em… I merely clean ‘em up and send them along to you.

“An economist is someone who sees something happen in practice and wonders if it would work in theory.” - Ronald Reagan

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is primarily located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.

Wanting to earn some extra money, a blonde decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She knocked at the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde, after looking about, responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
From inside the house, his wife heard the conversation and asked him, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
“She should,” he said, “she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?”
“No,” said the wife. “I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' e-mail jokes we've been receiving.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You're finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes, and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats,” she replied.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”

From geevee

  • January. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
  • February. Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter.
  • March. Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years.”
  • April. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
  • May. Couldn’t make Kool-Aid; 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
  • June. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
  • July. After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
  • August. When trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger told her blonde friend to hurry because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
  • September. When asked what the capital of California was, answered “C.”
  • October. Hates M &M’s because they are so hard to peel.
  • November. Baked a turkey 4 days because instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
  • December. Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11″ on any phone button.

A teacher’s collection of excuses written by parents (unedited)
From geevee

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
  • Dearschool: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
  • Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.