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PURE AND SIMPLE
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
“Sure chief, coming right up,” the waiter responds, and brings the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out. He returns the next morning, shotgun in hand, pulling another male
buffalo. He says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
“Whoa, Buddy!” the waiter responds. “We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management
position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
An Arkansas cowgirl walked into a Texas bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. She sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finished them, she ordered three more. The bartender said. “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The girl replied, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left Arkansas, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.” The bartender admitted it was a nice custom, and left it there.
She soon became a regular there and always drank the same way. One day, she ordered only two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fall silent. When she went to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, “I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences for your loss.”
Temporarily puzzled by his remark, a light then dawned in her eyes. She laughed and replied, “Oh, no, everybody's just fine. It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
It hasn't affected my sisters, though.”
CHURCH GOERS. The three times when some people are in church are when they're hatched, matched and dispatched
After years of hoping, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son, who immediately became the apple of his father's eye.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, “Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?”
The son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” His father bought him American Airlines.
On his seventh birthday, the son asked for a boat.” His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.
Prior to his son's eight birthday, the Sultan said, “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” His father bought him Disney Studios.
The son had grown to love Disney, and just before his ninth birthday responded to his father's desire to give him whatever gift he wanted by saying, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit.” His father bought him the Democratic Party and the CBS news.
SIMPLE FACTS. A good woman inspires a man. A brilliant woman interests him. A beautiful woman fascinates him. But a sympathetic woman gets him.
TRULY USEFUL GOLF BOOK
Chapter 1 - How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
TIME. They are considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. What good is the inclination, if you don't have the time?
GOLF THOUGHTS FROM THE FAMOUS AND UNKNOWN
From Bill Thompson - one of the latter.
Billy Graham - The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
John Updike - Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
Horace G. Hutchinson - If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
Gardner Dickinson - They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
Sam Snead - If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
William Wordsworth - Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
Dean Martin - If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Tommy Bolt - If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
Bob Hope - I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
Chris Codiroli - My handicap? Woods and irons.
Pete Dye - The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.
Jack Lemmon - If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Mark Twain - It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Harry Vardon - Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Jimmy Demaret - Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
George Deukmejian - The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.