JUGIGGLES 08

Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean ‘em up and pass ‘em on.

HURRICANE WARNING. Florida has had far more than its share of hurricanes this season, but here is one enormous storm that could cause irreparable damage to the entire country:
“Hurricane Kerry is on an erratic path blowing hot air throughout the nation and, unless diverted, could result in irreparable damage to all inhabitants of the United States and the future of our nation. The best place for protection is behind a Bush.”
From Janet Wilkerson

BANK’S NEW DRIVE-THROUGH TELLER SIGNS: “Please note that this Bank is installing new “Drive-through” teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

MALE PROCEDURE:

  • Drive up to the cash machine.
  • Put down your car window.
  • Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  • Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  • Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  • Put window up.
  • Drive away.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

  • Drive up to cash machine.
  • Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  • Set parking brake, put the window down.
  • Find handbag, remove contents to passenger seat to locate card.
  • Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
  • Attempt to insert card into machine.
  • Open car door to allow easier access to the machine’s excessive distance from car.
  • Insert card.
  • Re-insert card the correct way.
  • Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  • Enter PIN.
  • Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  • Enter amount of cash required.
  • Check makeup in rear view mirror.
  • Retrieve cash and receipt.
  • Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  • Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
  • Re-check makeup.
  • Drive forward 2 feet.
  • Reverse back to cash machine.
  • Retrieve card.
  • Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
  • Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you. * * * Restart stalled engine and drive away.
  • Redial person on cell phone.
  • Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  • Release Parking Brake.
    From BamaNanDog

CORPORATE LESSONS.

Lesson #1 - A man is getting into the shower just as his wife finishes hers when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, and quickly wraps herself in a towel.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you are wearing.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps in the towel and goes back upstairs. Her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson #2 - A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.” Poof! He's gone.
“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story - Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson #3 - A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not?”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story - To sit and doing nothing, you must sit very, very high up.

Lesson #4 - A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”
“Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the Story - B.S might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson #5 - In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. And, every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Moral of the Story - It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion. When the sun comes up, you had better be running at your top speed.
From JayPMarine

GEEZER SMARTS. A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, “You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”
From BamaNanDog

PRIORITIES. A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy negligee. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
From JayPMarine

IF THE CANDIDATES WERE WOMEN. http://www.dvorak.org/blog/index.php?p=430
From GeeVee

THANK GOD FOR NOVEMBER WHEN IT WILL BE OVER !
Click on http://www.jibjab.com/ then click “Good to be in DC” and then “This Land”
From GeeVee

POOR JOHN KERRY.
He throws away someone else's medals.
He drives someone else's SUV.
He marries someone else's wife.
And he inherits someone else's money.
Maybe we should vote for him to be president - of someone else’s country!
From JayPMarine