Don't blame me for these! I merely receive them from you, clean them up and pass them along to the world.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it
TEXAN WISDOM. An 80-year-old grizzled Texas rancher caught his hand in a gate while working cattle. While his doctor sutured the laceration, he and the old man talked about John Kerry's possibility of being in the White House. The old Texan said, “Well, ya know, Kerry's one of them 'post turtles'.”
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him “What is a post turtle?”
“Well, when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.”
Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, the rancher continued to explain, “You know he didn't get there by hisself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb guy get down 'afore he hurts hisself.”
From Roy Garner.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. A college professor who was an avowed Liberal Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!”
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, “Here I am, God. I'm still waiting.”
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, recently released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform, out cold.
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent…waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row and when he regained his senses and could speak, asked the Marine, “What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
God was busy. He sent me.”
EFFICIENT REPAIRMAN: An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did, her pet dog always moaned just before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to find out whether the problem was a psychic dog or a senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found the answer:
The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
All of which demonstrates that some problems really can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
LETTER TO THE BANK (from a 96-year-old client):
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me Level the playing field d even further. When you call me, press the numbered buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.
From JD Johnson
KIDS. We spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then we spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing our own children.
- Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
- Children seldom misquote us. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what we shouldn't have said.
- The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind us that there are children more awful than our own.
- We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
LIVING IN 2004. You know you're living in 2004 when:
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business-like manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone (which you didn't have the first 20, 30 or 60 years of your life) is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there was no #9 on this list and now you are laughing at yourself.