Don’t blame me if you don‘t like this brand of humor. My Internet friends send these along for laughs. I merely clean some of them a bit and pass them along to you.
THE OIL SHORTAGE. There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer:
“Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.“ From geevee
SHEER MADNESS. A husband enters Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. The clerk shows him several possibilities ranging from $250 to $500 - the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself”. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Husband says, “Good grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!” Funeral services are pendiing. From AlabamaNanDog
LIBERAL LINEUP. A florist, a policeman and a liberal politician went to their barber for haircuts. When each tried to pay, the barber told them, “I'm doing community service this week, so I am not charging my customers for haircuts.” Awaiting him when he reopened his shop the following morning were: a box containing a dozen roses and a thank-you card from the florist, a box containing a dozen doughnuts and a thank-you card from the policeman, and a lineup of dozen liberals to take advantage of the free haircuts. From Rgarner
Can a person cry under water?
How important does one have to be when considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Bread is square,. Why is sandwich meat round?
And why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If it’s “a penny for your thoughts” and you put in your “two cents worth,” where does the extra cent go?
Once you're in heaven, do you eternally wear your burial clothes?
What type of problem did ham have before it was cured?
Why could we put a man on the moon before we could put wheels on luggage?
Why does “sleeping like a baby” describe a good night‘s sleep, when babies wake up every two hours?
When a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a “hearing”?
If you drink Pepsi at work in a coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are actors “in” a movie… but “on” TV?
Why do people go atop tall buildings and put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do we choose between just two people for President, but fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change clothes , when they're will see your anatomy anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but could if they were in prison? From JayPMarine
TAXI RIDE. A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,
“I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault - today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. 1stADMPAO
BITS & PIECES. Here are some interesting links to fun and information from http://www.texastechie.com/index.htm#humorArchive