JUGIGGLES 05

ALTERNATE MEANINGS
     The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the recent winners:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
     From GaryVee

SENIOR DIVERSION
     Friends frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I thought you might like to know what happened to me last week.
     I went to the store and was only in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?”
     He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
     He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of crap.
     He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
     I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
     From Harley Koets

HOW TO LINE UP YOUR 4TH PUTT
I play golf with this guy down in sunny Florida. He is a golf writer and has a new book being published. I haven't seen a copy yet, however I did see a flyer, and from the list of chapters, it looks like it might be one in which you may have some interest. The title is How to Line up Your 4th Putt. Here are some of the notable chapters:
     How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
     How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
     How to get more distance out of a shank.
     Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.
     Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk.
     Crying and how to handle it.
     How to rationalize a 7-hour round.
     How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
     Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th.
     How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed.
     How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
     When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.
     God and the meaning of the double bogey.
He is now working on a sequel:When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
     From JackMacK via Ed Thompson

WHAT COMEDIANS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT KERRY
     Craig Kilborn - “John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.”
     David Letterman - “Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.”
     Jay Leno - “Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage and marry him.
     ”According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.
     ”Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.
     ”The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.
     ”John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich, and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you? Are you nuts?
     ”They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it
     ”In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.
     ”In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.
     ”John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game.”
     From various readers

WRONG INSTRUMENT
     An old Italian Mafia Don was dying, and he called his grandson to his bedside.
     ”Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
     ”But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about leaving me your Rolex watch instead?”
     ”You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say TIMES UP?”
     From JackMack

TRUE BELIEVERS.
     The 2,000-member church was filled to overflowing capacity on Sunday morning. The preacher was about to begin the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats, entered the auditorium. One of them walked midway down the center aisle and the other remained at the back. They both reached under the coats and pulled out automatic weapons. The one in the center aisle then loudly announced: “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats.”
     The congregation frantically emptied the church pews, followed by the choir, its director, the deacons and the assistant pastor. After a few moments all that remained were the preacher and about 20 staunch members.
     The two men put away their weapons and one said gently, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone. You can commence your sermon now.”

HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET
First, add a small amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
Next, pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
Then, in a smooth movement, stick the cat in the toilet and quickly close both lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.
Now, have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The shampooed cat will rocket out of the toilet, run outside, and dry-off.
The toilet will be sparkling clean! Sincerely, The Dog.
     From JackMack

LOVE AND MARRIAGE
     Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
     Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.
     Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
     When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
     If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
     Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
     On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past…but never the present.
     A foolish husband remarks to his wife: “Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing, cooking, and scrubbing. No wife of mine is going to work.
     The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
     Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
     Grandpa and Grandma were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, “Shall I kill a chicken tonight?” Grandpa said, “No. Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago?”      
     From DOxley

YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY WHEN:
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
You discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill,” and your name is George.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
Your income tax check bounces.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. From JackMack