Don't blame me for these. I merely clean them up and pass them along to you.
Lessons My Mother Taught Me
Anticipation: “Just wait until I get you home.”
Behavior Modification: “Stop acting like your father!”
Contortionism: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?!”
Cycle Of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
ESP: “Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
Foresight: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
Genetics: “You're just like your father.”
How To Become An Adult: “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
Irony: “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to really cry about.”
Justice: “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”
Logic: “Because I said so, that's why.”
Medical Science: “If you don't stop crossing your eyes they will freeze that way.”
My Roots: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
Osmosis: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
Religion: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
Stamina: “You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
Time Travel: “If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into the middle of next week!”
Weather: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
Wisdom: “When you get to be my age, you'll understand.” From GaryVee
Clever Lady. A traffic patrolman stops a lady driver for a speeding violation.
Lady: “Is there a problem, officer?”
Cop: “Yes, ma'am, you were speeding. May I see your drivers license, please?”
Lady: “I don't have one. Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”
Cop: “May I please see your vehicle registration papers?”
Lady: “I don't have them. I stole this car.”
Cop: “You stole it?”
Lady: “Yes, and killed the driver. His body is in the trunk if you want to see it.”
The officer looks at her incredibly, slowly backs away and calls for help. Within minutes five police cars circle the lady's vehicle. A senior officer slowly approaches, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Cop 2: “Ma'am, would you please step out of your vehicle?”
Lady: “Certainly.” She gets out and asks, “Is there a problem, sir?
Cop 2: “My officer tells me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
Lady: “Murdered the owner?”
Cop 2: “Please open your trunk.” She opens the trunk, which is completely empty.
Cop 2: “Is this your car, ma'am?”
Lady: “Yes.” She shows him her registration papers.
Cop 2: “My officer also claims you do not have a drivers license.”
She digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Lady: “I'll bet that liar told you I was speeding, too!” From JayPMarine
Prison vs. Work. Just in case you ever get the two mixed up, this should make the difference a bit clearer.
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT Work you spend the majority of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK you get 30 minutes for a meal at your own expense.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you carry a security card and must open all doors for yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you have your own personal toilet.
AT WORK you have to share with some idiots who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON your family and friends may visit with you.
AT WORK you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK you pay all expenses to go to and from work and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars waiting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK they are called Managers.
Have a nice day at work! Joel A., Words, Weights, Whatever
A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. Earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.” From RoyVee
Small Towns. Those who grew up in small towns know the following items are true:
You can name everyone in your graduating class.
You know what 4-H means.
You went to parties in pastures, barns, gravel pits, and dirt roads.
On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of scratches on their legs from running through the woods when someone busted the party.
You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, knowing which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
You used to “drag” Main Street.
If you said the “F” word, your parents knew within the hour.
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew your age (and even if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow).
When you found somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to country back roads to smoke them.
You knew which section of the ditch to find the beer your buyer dropped off.
It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
Directions were given using THE stop light as a primary reference point. You didn't use street names, rather locations, i.e., “Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field.”
The golf course (if you had one) was only 9-holes.
You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
The town next to you was considered “trashy” or “snooty”, but was actually just like your town.
You referred to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the “rich people.”
The people in the “big city” dressed funny until you picked up the trend two years later.
Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the town “pub.”
At least one friend a week drove a tractor through town or drove a grain truck to school occasionally.
The gym teacher suggested that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
If you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, five different people pulled over and asked if you if you wanted a ride.
Your teachers called you by your older sibling's names.
Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
You could charge at the local stores or write checks without any ID.
The closest McDonalds was 45 miles or more away.
The closest mall was over an hour away.
It was normal to see an old man driving through town on a riding lawnmower.
Most people had a nickname. From JayPMarine
Inner Peace. I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It reads: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.” So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. There were many. I was ashamed. So, today I have already finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Baileys, my Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel. From Cobra7.
Action At The San Francisco City Hall
” Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”
“Tim and Jim Jones.”
“Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance.”
“Yes, we're brothers.”
“Brothers? You can't get married.”
“Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?”
“Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!”
“Incest?” No, we are not gay.”
“Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?”
“For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects.”
“But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.”
“Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.”
“And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?”
“All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next.”
“Hi. We are here to get married.”
“John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”
“Who wants to marry whom?”
“We all want to marry each other.”
“But there are four of you!”
“That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”
“But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”
“So you're discriminating against bisexuals!”
“No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.”
“Since when are you standing on tradition?”
“Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”
“Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!”
“All right, all right. Next.”
“Hello, I'd like a marriage license.”
“In what names?”
“And the other man?”
“That's all. I want to marry myself.”
“Marry yourself? What do you mean?”
“Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to wed the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.”
“That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!”