Don't blame me. I receive these from my Internet friends and merely clean them up as necessary and pass them along to you.
Mad Cows & Illegal Aliens. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Navajo Wisdom. A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you're wondering what's in the bag,” offers the woman, “it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman is silent for a bit, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”
What's Up, Doc?
“UP” may have more meaning than most any other English two-letter word.
It's easy to understand UP, i.e., toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we say we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP a friend, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house, and some guys fix UP the old car.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning and close it UP at night.
When rain threatens, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable about the proper useage of UP, look UP the word in your dictionary. UP takes almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It may take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
But my time is UP, so I'll wrap this UP by shutting UP.
Senior Logic. Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year… that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. I guess I must have won that silly argument.
This Is So Stupid… But True, and it's going to drive you crazy! While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.
Why, Oh Why?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain pens to the counters?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don't they make the entire aircraft out of that indestructible “black box” material?
Why don't we ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why, if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?
Why is there no mouse-flavored cat food?
Dang, It's Good To Be A Man.(Part II)
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they are still your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You can shop on Christmas Eve for 25 relatives in 45 minutes.
Machine Age Answers.
A is for academics, B is for beer - one of those reasons why we're not here - so leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. I am probably home, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
If you are a burglar, we're here but cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.
He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave “sexy message,” I call you sooner.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid, sex change operation.
You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the trans gender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, trans gender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.
Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is George Bush's fault.
Dilbert Award Finalists. Here are the top 10 finalists from a magazine's request for employees to submit quotes from their Dilbert-type managers:
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” Microsoft Corp
“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” Lykes Lines Shipping
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” Electric Boat Company
“This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.” United Parcel Service
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” Delco Corp
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.” 3M Corp
“Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” Citrix Corp
“My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'” FTD Florists
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” AT&T Long Lines Division
“One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'” Hallmark Cards
Thoughts To Live With.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.