JUGIGGLES 02

CHUCKLE LUCK. Don't blame me if you don't like these… blame my friends who send them to me on the Internet. I merely clean 'em up and post them once or twice a month. So here they are. Jug
.
GLOBALIZATION.
     Princess Dianne's death is the truest definition of globalization. Why?
     While riding in a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian chauffer, this English princess (accompanied by an Egyptian boyfriend) crashes in a French tunnel. Italian Paparazzi followed them closely on Japanese motorcycles. An American doctor using Brazilian medicines treated the victims.
     Bill Gates' technology sent this to you and you're probably reading it on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, was assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, then transported by Indian truck drivers, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
     Sent by Harley Koets

Do you ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

DIRTY DEAL.
     An Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovered that the latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So, he notified the base, and they called an off-duty airman to take care of it.
     The airman finally arrives only to find the latrine pump outside in the weather and frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar - which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately, carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
     As he was leaving the aircraft, the pilot - an Air Force Major - stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.”
     The poor guy responds: “Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an enlisted airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's 20 degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump crap from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
     Sent by AirBurd

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

HONEST DRUNK.
     A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she unloaded her items onto the conveyor belt for checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
     Then he said to her, “You must be single.”
     A bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, the woman looked at her items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections, then replied, “Well, you know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
     The bleary-eyed one answered, “Because you're ugly.”
     Sent by 1stAdmPAO

DANG, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN
Because:
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's behind if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work… more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
One mood… ALL the dang time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
     From http://www.joke-of-the-day.com

ADVICE FOR THE LADIES.
     If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section…buy a dog.
     If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you…buy a dog.
     If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never
says its not quite as good as his mother made it… buy a dog.
     If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want… buy a dog
     If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon that terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors… buy a dog.
     If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you and watch a romantic movie …buy a dog.
     If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and that you can push off if he snores …buy a dog.
     If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually… buy a dog.
     But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness… buy a cat.
     Sent by Cappy (who adds, “Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.”)

30 YEARS DIFFERENCE

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: The perfect high
2004: The perfect high yield

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Growing pot
2004: Growing pot belly

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Killer weed
2004: Weed killer

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Called to the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging children to get their hair cut
2004: Children begging parents to let them get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends.

From AlabamaNanDog