COMPARISON OF PILOT TRADITIONS
Navy: On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer who gives the run-up signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, checks all gauges and gives the officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer then drops to one knee while moving his arm forward and pointing down the deck, granting that permission. The Navy pilot is immediately catapulted and airborne.
Air Force: We've all seen Air Force pilots look up just before taxi as the ground crew waits for the pilot's “thumbs up” signal. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety chain to confirm that the pilot does not have both thumbs up his butt on takeoff.
SHAGGY DOG 1
My Dear Human Companion:
These things have been bugging me for some time. I just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding we can get along better.
- Blaming your wind breaks on me … not funny … not funny at all.
- Yelling at me for barking … I am a DOG, you know!
- How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose … stop it.
- Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
- Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
- Dog sweaters. Hello … have you noticed I already have FUR?
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
- When you pick up the poop in the yard, do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
- Taking me to the vet for “the big snip,” then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
- The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
But, I love you anyway,
SHAGGY DOG 2
In DC, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Sure do.” the dog replies.
“So, what's your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted to settle down, so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work - mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that damned stuff.”
THEY ARE PLAYING OUR SONGS AGAIN
For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news! Some of our favorite artists have re-released their old hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Here are a few samples of what is to come:
Roberta Flack: “The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash: “I Can't See Clearly Now”
The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip”
Nancy Sinatra: “These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions”
Marvin Gaye: “I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts”
Bobby Darin: “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver”
Herman's Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker”
The Beatles: “I Get By With A Little Help From My Depends”
Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom”
Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Rolling Stones: “You Can't Always Pee When You Want”
From Harley Koets.
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. They finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry - no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy Fries from France. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the truck signs that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he was just a COMMON TATER.
News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when a band of cannibals captured them, tied them, and brought the four before their village chief.
The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?”
Dan Rather said, “Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili.” The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die contented.”
Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing We Shall Overcome one last time.” The chief said, “Go right ahead, we're listening.” Jackson! sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”
Cokie Roberts said, “I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job until the end.” The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die knowing I did my best.”
The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt,” said the Marine.
“What?” said the chief, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,” insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him as requested.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leaped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you?”
“What?” he questioned, “and have you liberal SOBs call ME the aggressor?”