“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'” - Jack Handy
“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” - Henny Youngman
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” - Benjamin Franklin
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” - Stephen Wright
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!” - Brian O'Rourke
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with beer as pizza.” - Dave Barry
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm.
“Well ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol:
- is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
- may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
- may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
- may make you think you are whispering when you are not.