FRENCH DERELICTIONS

Forwarded by LenFreidA

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” - Mark Twain
“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” - General George S. Patton
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” -Norman Schwartzkopf
“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.” - John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure” - French President Jacques Chirac
“As far as France is concerned, you're right.” - Rush Limbaugh

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” - Regis Philbin
“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” - Marge Simpson
“You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” - Conan O'Brien
“I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!” - Jay Leno
“The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.” - David Letterman

Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor with these:
“You can always count on the French to be there when they need us!”
“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.”
“The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.”

That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd commentary. It captures why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40 years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response:
“Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and take them home?” No French answer was recorded.

AND THESE… FROM UNKNOWN SOURCES:

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
It is essential for France to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
Why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army.
How many gears does a French tank have? Five. Four Reverse and one Forward (in case of an attack from the rear).

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
“Don't Worry, Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin
“Everybody's Somebody's Fool” by Connie Francis
“I'm Leaving It All Up To You” by Donny and Marie Osmond
“I Really Don't Want to Know” by Tommy Edwards
“Live and Let Die” by Wings
“Raise Your Hands” by Jon Bon Jov
“Runaway” by Del Shannon
“Running Scared” by Roy Orbison
“Save It For Me” by The Four Seasons
“Surrender” by Elvis Presley
“Walk Right In” by the Rooftop Singers
“What a Fool Believes” by the Doobie Brothers