A TIME TO FACE BARE FACTS
For all of you who feel that you “just don’t look good naked anymore,” CLICK HERE. [http://www.goodolddogs2.com/older.html ]
AIR CONTROL SOLUTION IN DALLAS
ATC: “Tower to Saudi Air. You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R”
Saudi: “Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised!!”
ATC: “Tower to Iran Air 711. You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R”
Iran: “Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great!!”
Saudi: (Yelling frantically) “DALLAS ATC!… DALLAS ATC!!!”
ATC: “Go ahead Saudi Air?”
Saudi: “YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
ATC: “Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us, ya hear?”
AVIATION AND OTHER TRUISMS
Received via the Internet. Source credited where known.
- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”
- “Airspeed, altitude and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
- “A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”
- Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
- “Blue water Navy truism from an old carrier sailor: There are more aircraft in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
- “Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
- “If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.”
- “If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.”
- “If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.” - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
- “Mankind has one perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”
- “Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
- “Never trade luck for skill.”
- Sign at the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base, Kadena, Japan: “Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing.”
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB in 1970: “There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
- “The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.”
- “The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- “What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.”
- “When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
- “Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Douglas MacArthur
- “Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
- “You, you, and you… panic! The rest of you, come with me.” - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt
- “You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
- “You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
- The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. - Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel
- Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.- George Bernard Shaw
- If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage classic helicopter fly-ins? - Anonymous
- It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.” - Dick Markgraf
- As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want… as long as it's right… and we'll let you know if it's right after you get down. - Unknown (probably from some military flight training manual!)
- Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations. - Unknown
- He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool. - Unknown
- If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow! ASW pilots know this only too well. - Unknown (Navy flight manual, maybe?)
- Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other. - Unknown
- You would have to pay a lot of money at many amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight. - Unknown
- One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience. - Unknown
- The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward… and wish. - Unknown
BAR PATRON PSYCHOLOGY
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'” - Jack Handy
“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” - Henny Youngman
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” - Benjamin Franklin
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” - Stephen Wright
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!” - Brian O'Rourke
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with beer as pizza.” - Dave Barry
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the “Buffalo Theory” to his buddy Norm.
“Well ya see, Norm, it's like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol:
- is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
- may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
- may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
- may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
- may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Three strangers awaiting their flights strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge at Bozeman. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. The third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane arrives.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and says softly, “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.”
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow, and leans forward. “Once my people were few,” he sneers, “and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, “That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.”
Forwarded, with a sly grin, by AirBurd.
On a beautiful island chain in the middle of the ocean, 20 men and 10 women are stranded on a deserted island. The group consists of:
- Two Italian men and one Italian woman
- Two French men and one French woman
- Two German men and one German woman
- Two Greek men and one Greek woman
- Two English men and one English woman
- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
- Two Irish men and one Irish woman
- Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have opened a convenience store, restaurant and laundry, and have impregnated the Chinese woman in order to supply employees for their business operation.
- The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because life gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
- The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than these two men do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems… and why didn't they bring a damned cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle nowhere so that she can get her nails done and go shopping?
DOUBLE SELF ROAST
Forwarded by NanDogTC
No matter what you think of our President, you have to admit he has a great sense of humor.
See for yourself by clicking here. [http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1921276117304287501&q=genre:comedy ]
FACTS OF LIFE
Forwarded by Susan
- After you reach a certain age happy hour is a nap.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
- Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
- Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have thousands of old ladies with tattoos?
- Money can't buy happiness, but crying in a Cadillac is more comfortable than in a Yugo.
- Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
- No one ever says, “It's only a game,” when his team is winning.
- No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
- Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
- Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs
- The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
- The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
- To err is human, to forgive — highly unlikely.
- Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Here’s a fun little word game for those of you who like brain teasers.
I will give you a clue by answering the first one of these well-known titles or phrases so you will know what to expect. Some may take longer to solve than others, but I‘m sure you can get them all. Merely read each phrase aloud to yourself and listen to the sound and rhythm of the words. Fast phrasing may help:
1. Radar Softer Laws Stark: Raiders of the Lost Ark
2. Shell Off Smee Shell Off Smee Knot:
3. Dusk Harlot Ladder:
4. Them Pyres Tracts Bach:
5. Ooze Off Raid Huff Fortune Yaw Wharf?:
6. Whomper Data Tuba Data:
7. Men wile Pack Adder Wrench:
8. Force Currents Heaven Yours Hag Hoe:
9. Echoer Deck Curried Hock:
10. Depict Sheriff Torah Yank Ray:
11. Heap Lorry Bassoon Hum:
12. Hate Pauline Decide Park Head:
13. Ultra Stop Hen Knob Plastic, Hoe:
14. Specks Awfully Hank Curry Up Hex Tech:
15. Less Strain Took Larks Fill:
16. Gimmick Rag Conan Eyed Okayer:
17. Apple Latch Her Leech Hence Toothy Fleck:
18. Up Pig Visional Lid Help Bond:
After you have completely given up on one or more of the answers… scan downward
Radar Softer Laws Stark - Raiders of the Lost Ark
Shell Off Smee Shell Off Smee Knot - She loves me, she loves me not
Dusk Harlot Ladder - The Scarlet Letter
Them Pyres Tracts Bach - The Empire Strikes Back
Ooze Off Raid Huff Fortune Yaw Wharf - Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf
Whomper Data Tuba Data - One potato, two potato…
Men wile Pack Adder Wrench - Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Force Currents Heaven Yours Hag Hoe - Four score and seven years ago…
Echoer Deck Curried Hock - Hickory, dickory, dock…
Depict Sheriff Torah Yank Ray - The Picture of Dorian Grey
Heap Lorry Bassoon Hum - e pluribus unum
Hate Pauline Decide Park Head - 8-ball in the side pocket
Ultra Stop Hen Knob Plastic, Hoe - All dressed up and no place to go
Specks Awfully Hank Curry Up Hex Tech - Speak softly and carry a big stick
Less Strain Took Larks Fill - Last Train to Clarksville
Gimmick Rag Conan Eyed Okayer - Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care…
Apple Latch Her Leech Hence Toothy Fleck - I pledge allegiance to the flag…
Up Pig Visional Lid Help Bond - A big fish in a little pond
Purportedly a true story from Bill Tee. No original source given
A short distance from Cocodrie - a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana - an out-of-state traveler stood on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly a slow moving car approached, appearing ghostlike in the rain. It silently crept toward him and stopped. Badly wanting a ride, the man jumped into the car and closed the door; only to realize nobody was behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine could be heard over the rain.
The ghost car crept slowly forward, its passenger becomming so terrified he couldn’t jump out and run. When it approached a sharp curve he began to pray and beg for his life - certain the car would run off into the bayou where he would surely drown!
Just as it arrived at the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in to turn the steering wheel, guiding it safely around the bend. Silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!
Paralyzed with fear, he watched the hand reappear every time the car reached a curve. Scared near the point of death, the super nervous passenger finally jumped out and quickly outdistanced the eerie vehicle, stopping only when he arrived at Cocodrie.
Wet and in shock, he entered a bar and with a quavering voice ordered two shots of whiskey. When he had regained his composure, he told everyone there about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped the small crowd and they all got goose bumps as they realized this guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.
About half an hour later, two Cajuns walked into the bar and one said to the other:
“Look Boudreaux - ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin’ it in the rain.”
Author unknown - but obviously he is either a young stud who is still single or hasn’t been married long enough to know who is really in charge! Please note the category is humor.
At last, a guy has taken the time to write the men’s side of the story. We always hear the rules from the female side, but now here they are from the male point of view. Each has the same value, but they are offered here in alphabetical order:
- A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
- All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
- Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 Days.
- Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape!
- If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
- If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act as if nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
- Men are not mind readers.
- Shopping is not a sport and we are never going to think of it that way.
- Sunday sports are like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really.
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
- You are a big girl, learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leaving it down.
- You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Forwarded by JayPMarine
A store opened in New York City where women could go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
- You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
- There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but she cannot go back down except to exit the building!
A typical woman went to this store and on the first floor the sign on the door read:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign read:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign read:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but still feels compelled to keep going.
The fourth floor sign read:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Good-Looking, and Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor where the sign read:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is sorely tempted to stay, but goes on to the sixth floor where the sign read:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
COMPARISON OF PILOT TRADITIONS
Navy: On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer who gives the run-up signal by rotating his finger above his head. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, checks all gauges and gives the officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer then drops to one knee while moving his arm forward and pointing down the deck, granting that permission. The Navy pilot is immediately catapulted and airborne.
Air Force: We've all seen Air Force pilots look up just before taxi as the ground crew waits for the pilot's “thumbs up” signal. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety chain to confirm that the pilot does not have both thumbs up his butt on takeoff.
SHAGGY DOG 1
My Dear Human Companion:
These things have been bugging me for some time. I just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding we can get along better.
- Blaming your wind breaks on me … not funny … not funny at all.
- Yelling at me for barking … I am a DOG, you know!
- How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose … stop it.
- Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
- Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.
- Dog sweaters. Hello … have you noticed I already have FUR?
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
- When you pick up the poop in the yard, do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
- Taking me to the vet for “the big snip,” then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
- The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
But, I love you anyway,
SHAGGY DOG 2
In DC, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Sure do.” the dog replies.
“So, what's your story?”
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted to settle down, so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work - mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”
“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that damned stuff.”
THEY ARE PLAYING OUR SONGS AGAIN
For those who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news! Some of our favorite artists have re-released their old hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Here are a few samples of what is to come:
Roberta Flack: “The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash: “I Can't See Clearly Now”
The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend A Broken Hip”
Nancy Sinatra: “These Boots Aren't Made For Bunions”
Marvin Gaye: “I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts”
Bobby Darin: “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver”
Herman's Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker”
The Beatles: “I Get By With A Little Help From My Depends”
Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom”
Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Rolling Stones: “You Can't Always Pee When You Want”
From Harley Koets.
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. They finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry - no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy Fries from France. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the truck signs that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he was just a COMMON TATER.
News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when a band of cannibals captured them, tied them, and brought the four before their village chief.
The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?”
Dan Rather said, “Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili.” The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die contented.”
Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing We Shall Overcome one last time.” The chief said, “Go right ahead, we're listening.” Jackson! sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”
Cokie Roberts said, “I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job until the end.” The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die knowing I did my best.”
The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt,” said the Marine.
“What?” said the chief, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt,” insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him as requested.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leaped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you?”
“What?” he questioned, “and have you liberal SOBs call ME the aggressor?”
CHUCKLE LUCK. Don't blame me if you don't like these… blame my friends who send them to me on the Internet. I merely clean 'em up and post them once or twice a month. So here they are. Jug
Princess Dianne's death is the truest definition of globalization. Why?
While riding in a German car with a Dutch engine driven by a Belgian chauffer, this English princess (accompanied by an Egyptian boyfriend) crashes in a French tunnel. Italian Paparazzi followed them closely on Japanese motorcycles. An American doctor using Brazilian medicines treated the victims.
Bill Gates' technology sent this to you and you're probably reading it on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, was assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, then transported by Indian truck drivers, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.
Sent by Harley Koets
Do you ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
An Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovered that the latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So, he notified the base, and they called an off-duty airman to take care of it.
The airman finally arrives only to find the latrine pump outside in the weather and frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar - which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately, carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he was leaving the aircraft, the pilot - an Air Force Major - stopped him and said, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished.”
The poor guy responds: “Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an enlisted airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's 20 degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump crap from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
Sent by AirBurd
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she unloaded her items onto the conveyor belt for checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
Then he said to her, “You must be single.”
A bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, the woman looked at her items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections, then replied, “Well, you know what? You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The bleary-eyed one answered, “Because you're ugly.”
Sent by 1stAdmPAO
DANG, IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's behind if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work… more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
One mood… ALL the dang time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
From http://www.joke-of-the-day.com [http://www.joke-of-the-day.com]
ADVICE FOR THE LADIES.
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section…buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you…buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never
says its not quite as good as his mother made it… buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want… buy a dog
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon that terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors… buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you and watch a romantic movie …buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and that you can push off if he snores …buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually… buy a dog.
But on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness… buy a cat.
Sent by Cappy (who adds, “Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental.”)
30 YEARS DIFFERENCE
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: The perfect high
2004: The perfect high yield
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
1974: Growing pot
2004: Growing pot belly
1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
1974: Killer weed
2004: Weed killer
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Called to the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office
1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system
1974: Parents begging children to get their hair cut
2004: Children begging parents to let them get their heads shaved
1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test
Don't blame me. I receive these from my Internet friends and merely clean them up as necessary and pass them along to you.
Mad Cows & Illegal Aliens. Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Navajo Wisdom. A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances at a brown bag on the front seat between them. “If you're wondering what's in the bag,” offers the woman, “it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman is silent for a bit, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”
What's Up, Doc?
“UP” may have more meaning than most any other English two-letter word.
It's easy to understand UP, i.e., toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we say we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election, and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP a friend, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house, and some guys fix UP the old car.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning and close it UP at night.
When rain threatens, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable about the proper useage of UP, look UP the word in your dictionary. UP takes almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It may take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
But my time is UP, so I'll wrap this UP by shutting UP.
Senior Logic. Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year… that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. I guess I must have won that silly argument.
This Is So Stupid… But True, and it's going to drive you crazy! While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it.
Why, Oh Why?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?
Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain pens to the counters?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway and put useless junk in the garage?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why don't they make the entire aircraft out of that indestructible “black box” material?
Why don't we ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why, if flying is so safe, do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?
Why is there no mouse-flavored cat food?
Dang, It's Good To Be A Man.(Part II)
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they are still your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
You can shop on Christmas Eve for 25 relatives in 45 minutes.
Machine Age Answers.
A is for academics, B is for beer - one of those reasons why we're not here - so leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. I am probably home, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
If you are a burglar, we're here but cleaning our weapons right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it is safe to leave us a message.
He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave “sexy message,” I call you sooner.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid, sex change operation.
You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the trans gender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, trans gender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.
Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is George Bush's fault.
Dilbert Award Finalists. Here are the top 10 finalists from a magazine's request for employees to submit quotes from their Dilbert-type managers:
“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.” Microsoft Corp
“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.” Lykes Lines Shipping
“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.” Electric Boat Company
“This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.” United Parcel Service
“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.” Delco Corp
“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.” 3M Corp
“Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” Citrix Corp
“My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'” FTD Florists
“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” AT&T Long Lines Division
“One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'” Hallmark Cards
Thoughts To Live With.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Don't blame me for these. I merely clean them up and pass them along to you.
Lessons My Mother Taught Me
Anticipation: “Just wait until I get you home.”
Behavior Modification: “Stop acting like your father!”
Contortionism: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?!”
Cycle Of Life: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
ESP: “Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
Foresight: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
Genetics: “You're just like your father.”
How To Become An Adult: “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
Irony: “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to really cry about.”
Justice: “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”
Logic: “Because I said so, that's why.”
Medical Science: “If you don't stop crossing your eyes they will freeze that way.”
My Roots: “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
Osmosis: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
Religion: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
Stamina: “You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
Time Travel: “If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into the middle of next week!”
Weather: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
Wisdom: “When you get to be my age, you'll understand.” From GaryVee
Clever Lady. A traffic patrolman stops a lady driver for a speeding violation.
Lady: “Is there a problem, officer?”
Cop: “Yes, ma'am, you were speeding. May I see your drivers license, please?”
Lady: “I don't have one. Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”
Cop: “May I please see your vehicle registration papers?”
Lady: “I don't have them. I stole this car.”
Cop: “You stole it?”
Lady: “Yes, and killed the driver. His body is in the trunk if you want to see it.”
The officer looks at her incredibly, slowly backs away and calls for help. Within minutes five police cars circle the lady's vehicle. A senior officer slowly approaches, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Cop 2: “Ma'am, would you please step out of your vehicle?”
Lady: “Certainly.” She gets out and asks, “Is there a problem, sir?
Cop 2: “My officer tells me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
Lady: “Murdered the owner?”
Cop 2: “Please open your trunk.” She opens the trunk, which is completely empty.
Cop 2: “Is this your car, ma'am?”
Lady: “Yes.” She shows him her registration papers.
Cop 2: “My officer also claims you do not have a drivers license.”
She digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Lady: “I'll bet that liar told you I was speeding, too!” From JayPMarine
Prison vs. Work. Just in case you ever get the two mixed up, this should make the difference a bit clearer.
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT Work you spend the majority of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK you get 30 minutes for a meal at your own expense.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you carry a security card and must open all doors for yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you have your own personal toilet.
AT WORK you have to share with some idiots who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON your family and friends may visit with you.
AT WORK you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK you pay all expenses to go to and from work and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life inside bars waiting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK they are called Managers.
Have a nice day at work! Joel A., Words, Weights, Whatever
A couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word. Earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.” From RoyVee
Small Towns. Those who grew up in small towns know the following items are true:
You can name everyone in your graduating class.
You know what 4-H means.
You went to parties in pastures, barns, gravel pits, and dirt roads.
On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of scratches on their legs from running through the woods when someone busted the party.
You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, knowing which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
You used to “drag” Main Street.
If you said the “F” word, your parents knew within the hour.
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew your age (and even if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow).
When you found somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to country back roads to smoke them.
You knew which section of the ditch to find the beer your buyer dropped off.
It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
Directions were given using THE stop light as a primary reference point. You didn't use street names, rather locations, i.e., “Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and its four houses left of the track field.”
The golf course (if you had one) was only 9-holes.
You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
The town next to you was considered “trashy” or “snooty”, but was actually just like your town.
You referred to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the “rich people.”
The people in the “big city” dressed funny until you picked up the trend two years later.
Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the town “pub.”
At least one friend a week drove a tractor through town or drove a grain truck to school occasionally.
The gym teacher suggested that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
If you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, five different people pulled over and asked if you if you wanted a ride.
Your teachers called you by your older sibling's names.
Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
You could charge at the local stores or write checks without any ID.
The closest McDonalds was 45 miles or more away.
The closest mall was over an hour away.
It was normal to see an old man driving through town on a riding lawnmower.
Most people had a nickname. From JayPMarine
Inner Peace. I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. It reads: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.” So, I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. There were many. I was ashamed. So, today I have already finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Baileys, my Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer. You have no idea how good I feel. From Cobra7.
Action At The San Francisco City Hall
” Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”
“Tim and Jim Jones.”
“Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance.”
“Yes, we're brothers.”
“Brothers? You can't get married.”
“Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?”
“Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!”
“Incest?” No, we are not gay.”
“Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?”
“For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects.”
“But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman.”
“Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim.”
“And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?”
“All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next.”
“Hi. We are here to get married.”
“John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”
“Who wants to marry whom?”
“We all want to marry each other.”
“But there are four of you!”
“That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”
“But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”
“So you're discriminating against bisexuals!”
“No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples.”
“Since when are you standing on tradition?”
“Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”
“Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!”
“All right, all right. Next.”
“Hello, I'd like a marriage license.”
“In what names?”
“And the other man?”
“That's all. I want to marry myself.”
“Marry yourself? What do you mean?”
“Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to wed the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.”
“That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!”
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the recent winners:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Friends frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. I thought you might like to know what happened to me last week.
I went to the store and was only in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?”
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of crap.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
From Harley Koets
HOW TO LINE UP YOUR 4TH PUTT
I play golf with this guy down in sunny Florida. He is a golf writer and has a new book being published. I haven't seen a copy yet, however I did see a flyer, and from the list of chapters, it looks like it might be one in which you may have some interest. The title is How to Line up Your 4th Putt. Here are some of the notable chapters:
How to hit a Top Flite from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
How to get more distance out of a shank.
Using your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.
Proper etiquette when you are playing with a complete jerk.
Crying and how to handle it.
How to rationalize a 7-hour round.
How to find the ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th.
How to let a foursome play through your twosome without getting embarrassed.
How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.
God and the meaning of the double bogey.
He is now working on a sequel:When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
From JackMacK via Ed Thompson
WHAT COMEDIANS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT KERRY
Craig Kilborn - “John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.”
David Letterman - “Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.”
Jay Leno - “Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will change his position on gay marriage and marry him.
”According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.
”Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.
”The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.
”John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich, and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you? Are you nuts?
”They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it
”In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.
”In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.
”John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game.”
From various readers
An old Italian Mafia Don was dying, and he called his grandson to his bedside.
”Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
”But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about leaving me your Rolex watch instead?”
”You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambini. Soma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to da watch and say TIMES UP?”
The 2,000-member church was filled to overflowing capacity on Sunday morning. The preacher was about to begin the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats, entered the auditorium. One of them walked midway down the center aisle and the other remained at the back. They both reached under the coats and pulled out automatic weapons. The one in the center aisle then loudly announced: “Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats.”
The congregation frantically emptied the church pews, followed by the choir, its director, the deacons and the assistant pastor. After a few moments all that remained were the preacher and about 20 staunch members.
The two men put away their weapons and one said gently, “All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone. You can commence your sermon now.”
HOW TO CLEAN A TOILET
First, add a small amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
Next, pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
Then, in a smooth movement, stick the cat in the toilet and quickly close both lids. You may need to stand on the top lid.
The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.
Now, have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The shampooed cat will rocket out of the toilet, run outside, and dry-off.
The toilet will be sparkling clean! Sincerely, The Dog.
LOVE AND MARRIAGE
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough “horse sense” to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past…but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: “Honey, you stick to the washing, ironing, cooking, and scrubbing. No wife of mine is going to work.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, make a bed, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Grandpa and Grandma were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, “Shall I kill a chicken tonight?” Grandpa said, “No. Why blame a bird for something that happened 50 years ago?”
YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY WHEN:
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
You discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.
Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill,” and your name is George.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.
You see a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
Your income tax check bounces.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. From JackMack
Don’t blame me if you don‘t like this brand of humor. My Internet friends send these along for laughs. I merely clean some of them a bit and pass them along to you.
THE OIL SHORTAGE. There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer:
“Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.“ From geevee
SHEER MADNESS. A husband enters Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. The clerk shows him several possibilities ranging from $250 to $500 - the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but do the modeling naked and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself”. So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. Husband says, “Good grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!” Funeral services are pendiing. From AlabamaNanDog
LIBERAL LINEUP. A florist, a policeman and a liberal politician went to their barber for haircuts. When each tried to pay, the barber told them, “I'm doing community service this week, so I am not charging my customers for haircuts.” Awaiting him when he reopened his shop the following morning were: a box containing a dozen roses and a thank-you card from the florist, a box containing a dozen doughnuts and a thank-you card from the policeman, and a lineup of dozen liberals to take advantage of the free haircuts. From Rgarner
Can a person cry under water?
How important does one have to be when considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Bread is square,. Why is sandwich meat round?
And why does a round pizza come in a square box?
If it’s “a penny for your thoughts” and you put in your “two cents worth,” where does the extra cent go?
Once you're in heaven, do you eternally wear your burial clothes?
What type of problem did ham have before it was cured?
Why could we put a man on the moon before we could put wheels on luggage?
Why does “sleeping like a baby” describe a good night‘s sleep, when babies wake up every two hours?
When a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a “hearing”?
If you drink Pepsi at work in a coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are actors “in” a movie… but “on” TV?
Why do people go atop tall buildings and put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do we choose between just two people for President, but fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change clothes , when they're will see your anatomy anyway?
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but could if they were in prison? From JayPMarine
TAXI RIDE. A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said,
“I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, “No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault - today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years. 1stADMPAO
BITS & PIECES. Here are some interesting links to fun and information from http://www.texastechie.com/index.htm#humorArchive [http://www.texastechie.com/index.htm#humorArchive]
Don't blame me for these! I merely receive them from you, clean them up and pass them along to the world.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it
TEXAN WISDOM. An 80-year-old grizzled Texas rancher caught his hand in a gate while working cattle. While his doctor sutured the laceration, he and the old man talked about John Kerry's possibility of being in the White House. The old Texan said, “Well, ya know, Kerry's one of them 'post turtles'.”
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him “What is a post turtle?”
“Well, when you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.”
Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, the rancher continued to explain, “You know he didn't get there by hisself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb guy get down 'afore he hurts hisself.”
From Roy Garner.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. A college professor who was an avowed Liberal Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!”
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, “Here I am, God. I'm still waiting.”
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, recently released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform, out cold.
At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently. The class fell silent…waiting. Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row and when he regained his senses and could speak, asked the Marine, “What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
God was busy. He sent me.”
EFFICIENT REPAIRMAN: An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did, her pet dog always moaned just before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to find out whether the problem was a psychic dog or a senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found the answer:
The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
All of which demonstrates that some problems really can be fixed by pissing and moaning.
LETTER TO THE BANK (from a 96-year-old client):
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me Level the playing field d even further. When you call me, press the numbered buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.
From JD Johnson
KIDS. We spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then we spend the next sixteen years telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing our own children.
- Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
- Children seldom misquote us. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what we shouldn't have said.
- The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind us that there are children more awful than our own.
- We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
LIVING IN 2004. You know you're living in 2004 when:
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business-like manner.
7. You make phone calls from home; you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone (which you didn't have the first 20, 30 or 60 years of your life) is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there was no #9 on this list and now you are laughing at yourself.
Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean ‘em up and pass ‘em on.
HURRICANE WARNING. Florida has had far more than its share of hurricanes this season, but here is one enormous storm that could cause irreparable damage to the entire country:
“Hurricane Kerry is on an erratic path blowing hot air throughout the nation and, unless diverted, could result in irreparable damage to all inhabitants of the United States and the future of our nation. The best place for protection is behind a Bush.”
From Janet Wilkerson
BANK’S NEW DRIVE-THROUGH TELLER SIGNS: “Please note that this Bank is installing new “Drive-through” teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive away.
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
- Set parking brake, put the window down.
- Find handbag, remove contents to passenger seat to locate card.
- Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
- Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to the machine’s excessive distance from car.
- Insert card.
- Re-insert card the correct way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Check makeup in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt.
- Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
- Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you. * * * Restart stalled engine and drive away.
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
Lesson #1 - A man is getting into the shower just as his wife finishes hers when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, and quickly wraps herself in a towel.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, “I'll give you $800 to drop that towel you are wearing.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps in the towel and goes back upstairs. Her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson #2 - A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life.” Poof! He's gone.
“OK, you're up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story - Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson #3 - A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not?”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story - To sit and doing nothing, you must sit very, very high up.
Lesson #4 - A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven't got the energy.”
“Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the Story - B.S might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson #5 - In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive. And, every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Moral of the Story - It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion. When the sun comes up, you had better be running at your top speed.
GEEZER SMARTS. A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said. “Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, “You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”
PRIORITIES. A man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy negligee. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So, he tied her up and went golfing.
IF THE CANDIDATES WERE WOMEN. http://www.dvorak.org/blog/index.php?p=430 [http://www.dvorak.org/blog/index.php?p=430]
THANK GOD FOR NOVEMBER WHEN IT WILL BE OVER !
Click on http://www.jibjab.com/ [http://www.jibjab.com/] then click “Good to be in DC” and then “This Land”
POOR JOHN KERRY.
He throws away someone else's medals.
He drives someone else's SUV.
He marries someone else's wife.
And he inherits someone else's money.
Maybe we should vote for him to be president - of someone else’s country!
I may add some new items at the top of the list while this article is posted on the main page - so check back. Previous Juggles are archived under POTPOURRI in the left column.
PURE AND SIMPLE
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
“Sure chief, coming right up,” the waiter responds, and brings the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out. He returns the next morning, shotgun in hand, pulling another male
buffalo. He says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
“Whoa, Buddy!” the waiter responds. “We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management
position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
An Arkansas cowgirl walked into a Texas bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. She sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finished them, she ordered three more. The bartender said. “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The girl replied, “Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left Arkansas, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.” The bartender admitted it was a nice custom, and left it there.
She soon became a regular there and always drank the same way. One day, she ordered only two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fall silent. When she went to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, “I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my condolences for your loss.”
Temporarily puzzled by his remark, a light then dawned in her eyes. She laughed and replied, “Oh, no, everybody's just fine. It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
It hasn't affected my sisters, though.”
CHURCH GOERS. The three times when some people are in church are when they're hatched, matched and dispatched
After years of hoping, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son, who immediately became the apple of his father's eye.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, “Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?”
The son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” His father bought him American Airlines.
On his seventh birthday, the son asked for a boat.” His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.
Prior to his son's eight birthday, the Sultan said, “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”
His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” His father bought him Disney Studios.
The son had grown to love Disney, and just before his ninth birthday responded to his father's desire to give him whatever gift he wanted by saying, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit.” His father bought him the Democratic Party and the CBS news.
SIMPLE FACTS. A good woman inspires a man. A brilliant woman interests him. A beautiful woman fascinates him. But a sympathetic woman gets him.
TRULY USEFUL GOLF BOOK
Chapter 1 - How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - Crying and How to Handle it
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 am
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round
Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water
Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 16 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
TIME. They are considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. What good is the inclination, if you don't have the time?
GOLF THOUGHTS FROM THE FAMOUS AND UNKNOWN
From Bill Thompson - one of the latter.
Billy Graham - The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
John Updike - Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
Horace G. Hutchinson - If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
Gardner Dickinson - They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
Sam Snead - If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
William Wordsworth - Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
Dean Martin - If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Tommy Bolt - If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
Bob Hope - I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
Chris Codiroli - My handicap? Woods and irons.
Pete Dye - The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.
Jack Lemmon - If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Mark Twain - It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Harry Vardon - Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Jimmy Demaret - Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
George Deukmejian - The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!
Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
HEADLINES IN THE YEAR 2030
- 86-year, $75.8 billion study, Diet and Exercise are the Keys to Weight Loss is concluded.
- Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
- Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
- Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
- Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
- Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
- Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.
- France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.
- George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
- IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
- Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
- New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
- Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.
- Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
- Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
From Bill Thompson
There's a new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.
QUIPS FROM THE WISE
Your argument is sound, nothing but sound. - Benjamin Franklin
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. - Vince Lombardi
Learn some craft when young, that when old you may live without craft. - Anonymous
I don’t write ‘em… I merely clean ‘em up and send them along to you.
“An economist is someone who sees something happen in practice and wonders if it would work in theory.” - Ronald Reagan
THE OIL SHORTAGE
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is primarily located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma and Texas. Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.
BLOND PAINT JOB
Wanting to earn some extra money, a blonde decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She knocked at the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde, after looking about, responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
From inside the house, his wife heard the conversation and asked him, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
“She should,” he said, “she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?”
“No,” said the wife. “I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' e-mail jokes we've been receiving.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You're finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes, and I had paint left over so I gave it two coats,” she replied.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.”
BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW
- January. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
- February. Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter.
- March. Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years.”
- April. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
- May. Couldn’t make Kool-Aid; 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
- June. Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
- July. After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
- August. When trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger told her blonde friend to hurry because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
- September. When asked what the capital of California was, answered “C.”
- October. Hates M &M’s because they are so hard to peel.
- November. Baked a turkey 4 days because instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120.
- December. Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11″ on any phone button.
A teacher’s collection of excuses written by parents (unedited)
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
- Dearschool: please ecsc's John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
FATHER KNOWS BEST
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. “Sorry I'm running late… had an emergency, you know how it is. Didn't have time to get you a present.”
“Not to worry,” said the Dad. “The important thing is that we're all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present… sorry.”
“It's nothing,” the father replied. “Glad you were able to be here.”
Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello you both, happy anniversary. I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing… so I didn't have time to get you guys anything.”
Again the father said, “I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today.”
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen you three, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but… we just never found the time to get married.”
The three kids gasped and said,,,, “You mean we're BASTARDS?”
“Yep,” said the Dad… “and cheap ones, too!”
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice.”
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, drinks it, throws his empty bottle into the air, pulls out his .44 magnum, shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his bottle. He says, “In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice”.
Late one afternoon, military police were quite surprised to see a Cessna landing at a top secret air base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. Base officials immediately initiated a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
On the following day, to the total disbelief of the base officials, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people inside.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you've got to tell her where I was last night!”
WALK, DON'T RUN
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
I don't exercise anymore, hpwever, because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I would have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figured out what I'm doing.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Don’t blame me for these. I merely receive them in e-mail from those who click this website, clean them up a bit, as necessary, and send them along so that all of you can groan about them. But check back occassionally. I may add some more to this list.
MY DOCTOR treated a woman for yellow jaundice three years before he realized she was Chinese. He gave another patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor hates ducks - he says they insult him.
My doctor examined me and told me I had walking pneumonia. I asked what to do about it. He gave me some pills and said, “Take two every three miles.”
I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. He advised, “Don't answer it.”
My doctor has his share of nut cases. One said to him, “Doctor, I think I'm a bell.” The doctor gave him some pills and said, “Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring.” Another guy told my doctor he thought he was a deck of cards. My doctor simply said, “Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later.”
NO SOONER SAID THAN DONE. A Navy Chief and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said to her, “Just so you'll know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” His wife immediately got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his red wine.
SAVING FRANCE AGAIN. The President has authorized the Joint Chiefs of Staff to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed-off teenagers, he doubts France's ability to hold them very long. “If the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now,” he said.
The head of the Joint Chiefs warned that it might be necessary to send up to five Marines to do the job. The general admitted that five Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24-hours of arrival on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time, but thought that he could persuade a few women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.
The President told the Commandant of the Marines to get the Marines out of there as soon as possible after they restored order. He also reminded the General to make sure the Marines take no soap or deodorant with them. The less they stand out, the better.
A LOVE STORY. I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy… beg for me to stop. will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am finished with you. And you will be weak for days! All my love, Flu Bug. (Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
ONLY IN LAS VEGAS. There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - others are hoping to win. Because the chips are from various casinos and are redeemable for cash, the Catholic churches send them to the Diocese for sorting into the respective casino chips. Then, one junior priest makes the rounds to casinos to convert the chips into cash. His nickname is the “ChipMonk“.
“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” - Johnny Carson
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” - Unknown
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'” - Paula Poundstone
“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.” - A. Whitney Brown
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” - Jeff Foxworthy
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who went peacefully in his sleep… not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Author Unknown
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'” - Dave Barry
HOT PILOT. A brilliant young man volunteered for naval service during WWII. Because of his high aptitude for aviation the Navy sent him directly to Pensacola as an aviation cadet.
Soloing during his first training day, it became obvious that he was the best pilot on the base and the officials sent him directly to final training to become a fighter pilot. He completed the course in record time and received his Wings of Gold and an immediate assignment to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
Arriving aboard the carrier by COD flight, he checked in at the squadron ready room and was assigned to his first flight the following morning.
He was barely at altitude when attacked by a flight of six Japanese fighter aircraft, but quickly shot them out of the sky. Then, climbing higher, he spotted nine more Zero fighters, shooting all nine down as well.
After all this action he noticed that his fuel was getting low. Finding the carrier, he descended, circled, and made a perfect landing. Climbing out of the cockpit, he jogged up to bridge. Saluting the captain smartly he said, “Well sir, how did I do on my very first launch?” The captain turned facing him, bowed politely, and replied, “You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake!”
Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean them up and pass them along to you.
- A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I've lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”
- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”
- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don't serve food in here.”
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
- I bet my butcher 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No. The steaks are too high.”
- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know. I've cut off your arms!”
- I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.” - Unnamed Texas congressional candidate
- “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug in this jack at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.” - FCC Chairman Mark S. Fowler
- “I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” - University of Kentucky Basketball Forward Winston Bennett
- “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” - Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry
- “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” - Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
- “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” - Vice President Dan Quayle
- “The word “genius” isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - NFL Quarterback and Sports Analyst Joe Theisman
- “We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” - ROTC Instructor Colonel Gerald Wellman
- “If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.” - President Bill Clinton
- “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” - Notice sent by Greenville, SC Department of Social Services
Suggested by the family dog
- Put both commode lids up, flush, then add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the clean water in the bowl.
- Pick up your cat and soothe it as you carry into the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the commode, quickly close both lids and stand on them.
- The cat will self agitate, making ample suds. Never mind the noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the commode three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse
- Make certain no one is standing between the bathroom and the front door.”.
- Have someone open the front door and move out of the way.
- Lift both lids and quickly move out of the way as far as you can.
- The cat will rocket out of the bowl, streak out of the bathroom and through the front door to dry.
- Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was invented, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. (An interesting evolutionary side note: Most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.) Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer provided by Conservatives.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. The reasons for this are obvious and need no further explanation.
Modern Liberals drink imported beer (with lime added) and frou-frou coffee, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but prefer their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. (But I repeat myself.) Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They prefer to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created the business of trying to get something for nothing.
Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean up what others send and pass it along to you.
MESSAGE FROM WASHINGTON
I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a “non-intrusive method.” The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, CLICK HERE [http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/ ].
Thanks to Bill Thompson.
ATLANTA JOURNAL AD:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. I'll be waiting.
(More than 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador Retriever).
Received this from more than one person.
Turn up your sound volume… Ray Stevens is at it again. CLICK HERE [http://www.susie1114.com/Rattlesnakesong.html ]. SuzyQPR sent this.
IN THE BEGINNING.
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
God said, “Try my fresh green salad.”
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God said, “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil's Food.”
God brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, and then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Forwarded by Airburd. No original source given
DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Father Murphy entered a pub in Donegal, and asked to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“I do Father.”
“Then stand over there against the wall.” He asked a second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man's reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” Then he walked up to O'Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?
“No, I don't Father,” he answered, frankly.
“I can't believe this,” Father Murphy retorted. “You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?”
“Oh, when I die, yes,” said O‘Toole. “I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean up what others send and pass it along to you.
NEW MATH. Overheard in Washington as a father pointed out a famous building to his son:
“Do you see that triangular-shaped octagon over there? That’s the Pentagon.”
COINCIDENCE. Two men sat next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.”
“Yes, that I am!” the other responds proudly,
“So am I!” says the first. “And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?”
“I'm from Dublin, I am.”
The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
“Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?”
‘Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.”
Now really excited, the first guy says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
“Well now let's see, I graduated in 1964.”
“The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.”
About this time, one of the regulars walks in and takes a seat at the bar. Brian, the bartender, walks over to her shaking his head and mutters, “It's going to be a long night tonight!”
“Why do you say that, Brian?” she asks.
“The Kelly twins are drunk again.”
Sent by Suzy-Q
LAST WORD. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked, sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
BARGAIN HUNTER. A guy looking for a cheap vacation trip answered an ad in a New Orleans newspaper for a $199 cruise. The office looked sort of seedy, but the man in charge took his money and invited him to go into the anteroom and help himself to a refreshment. An accomplish hit him over the head, knocking him out cold, then threw him in the Mississippi River. When he finally regained consciousness he found himself in the middle of the stream. Soon he bumped into another guy and asked him, “Say, do you know if they serve food on this cruise?” To which the other man replied, “Well, they didn’t yesterday.”
AIR FREIGHT. Three hunters were flown into Canada in search of Moose. Before they left, they had felled two apiece. But, upon return to the aircraft, the pilot told them the plane could only take one moose for each hunter, due to load factor. Otherwise the plane might crash. But the hunters argued for all of their moose trophies and finally prevailed.
The plane barely cleared the end of the runway, wobbled a bit as it tried to gain altitude, but finally crashed. As the hunters crawled out of the debris, one of them said to another, “Say, this looks about like the spot where we crashed last time!”
PURE AND SIMPLE. A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.”
A DETECTIVE STORY (so read it carefully: Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has several innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it .
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!
Sent by Frieda & Lynn
Don’t blame me for these. I merely clean up what others send and pass it along to you.
MEXICAN VIRUS MESSAGE From SusieQ
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA - MEXICAN HACKER
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER. From SusieQ
Brian invited his mother for dinner with he and his roommate, Stephanie. During the course of the meal, his mother keep noticing how beautiful the girl was. Having long been suspicious of their relationship, this only made her more curious.
Sensing his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I Know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Stephanie said to Brian, “Ever since your mom came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, he received this e-mail reply:
I'm not saying that you do sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
SMART RADIO. The owner of a new 2007 Lexus returned to the dealer the next day complaining that he couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The service man explained that the radio was voice activated, and proceeded to demonstrate:
“Nelson”, he called out. The Radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie!” he continued, and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
Then he said, “Ray Charles!” In an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.
The owner drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he'd say, “Beethoven,” he got beautiful classical music, and when he said, “Beatles,” he got one of their awesome songs.
While on the road one day enjoying this fantastic radio, a car ran a red light and he swerved just in time to avoid it, as he yelled out at the two people in the other car, “DUMB ASSES!”
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM From SuzyQ
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: “Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house, so you might ought to wait outside.”
BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE
CAUTION - DRIVER LEGALLY BLOND
COVER ME - I’M CHANGING LANES
FLORIDA IS FULL - GO HOME
HE WHO HESITATES IS MILES FROM THE NEXT EXIT
HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF
HORN BROKEN - WATCH FOR FINGER.
HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN TRAVEL
DOWN BEFORE HE ADMITS HE IS LOST?
IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?
IF YOU CAN READ THIS I’VE LOST MY TRAILER
QUICK THINKING From Slim Russell
The ship’s captain had executed a few maneuvers that had never been taught at the Naval Academy. Angrily, the admiral in charge of the fleet flashed a quick message to the captain, saying, “You are the dumbest, most ignorant, absolutely idiotic sailor ever put on God's blue ocean!”
When it was delivered, the captain told the radioman to read it to him.
The radioman hesitated.
The captain insisted.
The radioman coughed and read the degrading message in front of a whole bridge full of officers.
Without skipping a beat, the captain covered for himself, saying, “Take that below and have it decoded!”
WHY WE SPEAK ENGLISH From Harold Green
A U.S. Navy admiral attended a naval conference that included admirals from the Australian, Canadian, English, French and U.S. navies. At a Cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.
He then asked: “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: “Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.”
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS From JayPMarine
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Is there another word for synonym?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where's the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
Why do they lock gas station restrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille writing on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
LIBERAL NEWS FLASH
BUSH FAILS TO PREVENT EAST COAST BLIZZARD
Minorities Hit Hardest
As President Bush and his staff sit comfortably in the White House, the snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African American victims in the D.C. area who could not afford to get out of town or to safety in Florida.
Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa, popcorn, gold jewelry, plasma TVs, Colt 45s, and dark rum - so essential to surviving the stress of any major snowstorm - lay in stores undelivered.
“Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shoveled so I can get out to buy my lottery tickets!” said one D.C. resident from his living room. “Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on me?”
Progressive bloggers blasted the President for his inaction. “We find the timing terribly suspicious - just as the Domestic Spying hearings kick into high gear, what happens? A major northeast Blizzard. Why now?” wrote one blogger.
Hearings into the Blizzards' effect on hearings are almost a certainty. Howard Dean has suggested he will call for an investigation once his new medications kick in.
John Kerry took a break from his winter ski vacation in Aspen to call for new legislation outlawing snowstorms. “The Republican Congress has dropped the ball once again. I have always been a staunch supporter of anti-snow legislation, except for certain locations where I ski. Snow has no business on our roads and the President and Congress know that.”
Calls for impeachment over SnowGate, as some are calling it, already are mounting as deeply as the snow itself, and what will be discovered underneath will prove to have a truly chilling effect on the Republicans, as the inevitable thaw proceeds.
This just in… More breaking news…
Jesse Jackson wants an investigation as to why snow is always white.
It is reported that Dick Cheney has stock in Tru-Value Hardware. Do you have any idea how many snow shovels they sold today to the unsuspecting consumer?
The American people will demand to know why FEMA has been so late in reacting to this storm. They knew it was coming! And yet they failed to have crews in place to fix the electricity the minute it went off. It just shows that Bush and the Republicans don't care about the people in the northeast. The Senate needs to investigate this with administration personnel under oath.
Farther northeast it is speculated that the great junior senator from N.Y. has opened the doors of her Long Island mansion to all of the heatless poor of her neighborhood and is busy baking cookies for them while her husband applies body heat to the nearly frozen teen-aged girls.
MURPHY’S LESSER KNOWN LAWS
From Bill Thompson
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
- If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
- Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Things that come to those who wait are things left by those who got there first.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
POLITICAL SCIENCE FOR DUMMIES
New Take-off on Old Funny
Forwarded by Bill Thompson
DEMOCRATIC: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and pour the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized, “pro-actively and strategically moving forward with the new leaner structure” and are reducing expenses with layoffs (retirements), outsourcing and plant closures. Your stock goes up, your CEO gets a big bonus and a vacation paid for by the corporation.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. They die in a cave.
IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best, but accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
POORLY CHOSEN URL
The following are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear… and be misread.
- WHO REPRESENTS is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is http://www.whorepresents.com/
- EXPERTS EXCHANGE is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at http://www.expertsexchange.com/
- Looking for a pen? Look no further than PEN ISLAND at http://www.penisland.net/
- Need a therapist? Try THERAPIST FINDER at http://www.therapistfinder.com/
- There's the ITALIAN POWER GENERATOR company, http://www.powergenitalia.com/
- And don't forget the MOLE STATION NATIVE NURSERY in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/
- If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/
- The FIRST CUMMING METHODIST CHURCH Web site is http://www.cummingfirst.com/
- And the designers at SPEED OF ART await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/
RAY STEVENS - AT IT AGAIN
Forwarded by Bill Thompson
C&W song writer, musical entertainer and comedian Ray Stevens is in a class all by himself when it comes to musical humor, as you will see and hear in this funny bit about the Mississippi Squirrel Revival.
And now… H-e-r-e-‘s Ray! [http://mywebpages.comcast.net/singingman7777/MSR2.htm ]
Forwarded by JayPMarine.
No original source known, but supposedly a true story.
A airliner flying from Seattle to San Francisco unexpectedly landed in Sacramento because of a minor problem. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, they could re-board in 50 minutes.
All passengers deplaned except one gentleman who was blind. His seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seat in front of him. He had flown this flight before and the pilot approached him and said, “Keith, we'll be here for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind man replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog and even wearing dark sunglasses.
They scattered… and not only tried to change planes, but change airlines as well!
Morale to the story:
Things are not always as they seem!
SEND OLD MEN TO WAR
Forwarded by JayPMarine. No original source given.
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC, but I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. “My back hurts!” “I'm hungry!” “Where's the remote control?”
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, “Get down and give me… uh …one.” And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum - all great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11 The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
SOME THINGS TO PONDER
From Mark Farnum. Forwarded by Bob Clements.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”
- Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT… IF
Forwarded by GunshipII@aol.com
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK PILOT…
- If your stall warning plays “Dixie.”
- If your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
- If you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
- If you've ever used moonshine as aviation gas.
- If you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
- If you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
- If your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
- If you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
- If just before impact, you are heard saying, “Hey y'all, watch this!”
- If you've ever just taxied around the airport, drinking beer.
- If you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
- If you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.
- If you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman “Yankee.”
- If you refer to flying in formation as: “We got ourselves a convoy!”
- If there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
- If you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
- If you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
- If you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase “That's a big 10-4!”
- If you typically answer female controllers with titles like “sugar” or “little darlin'.” And if she responds with the words “Honey” or “Big guy” then she may be a redneck, too.
- If you have ever used a relief tube as a spittoon.
- If you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.
- If you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide RV.
- If the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains “Case of Bud.”
- When you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.